I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
