we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
