I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
