My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
