You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
