I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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