dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
