i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
