Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
