I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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