why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
