Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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