Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
