If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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