the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
