Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
