we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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