i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
well you can't waste a boner
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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