You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
