i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
