if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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