Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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