this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
