my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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