Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
