I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize