I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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