i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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