I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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