my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
