I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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