I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
