Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
