Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Help. Why am I so naked?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize