it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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