Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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