It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
