This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
