Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
