I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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