All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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