he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
