i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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