The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
