I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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