the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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