Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
