...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
