I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
