Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
