The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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