Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
