I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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