My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
