Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
