Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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