Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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