Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
