you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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