never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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