loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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